Santa

Holiday jokes and comics? Know any good holiday-oriented jokes? Or maybe a website where I can find a couple of holiday-oriented comic strips or something? Thanks!!

Does anyone have any funny Holiday jokes? I was wondering if anyone has a funny jokes that are based on the Holidays.

Due to the Holiday today, I would like some new jokes to tell...? If you know todays holiday, lets hear some good jokes about it. FYI, it is Talk like a Pirate day!

Can you share a favorite holiday joke please? I'd like to text my friend a funny holiday joke....have any to share?

What are some funny jokes that I can tell my Family on holiday?

Any holiday jokes? Nothing dirty... any holiday, but Christmas is best

2 Holiday Jokes for You!? Here's 2 jokes to lighten your day! 1. The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists - One a university graduate and the other an old Aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word was "TIMBUKTU". First to recite his poem was the university graduate.He stepped up to the microphone and said: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two; Destination TIMBUKTU." The crowd applauded. No way could the old Abbo top that, they thought. The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and said: "Me and Tim a-huntin' went; Met three whores in a pop-up tent. There were three and we were two; So I bucked one and TIMBUKTU." 2. A married couple went to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic and the new little family was able to go home from hospital immediately after the birth. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch! Season's Compliments!

i need to make a holiday card and need a funny quote for the front. know any tasteful short jokes or humor? it'll be sent out to business partners.

The atheist holiday. The jokes on you.? Origins: This item, which began its Internet life in 2003, is another politics-cum-humor item which has prompted numerous "Is this real?" inquiries from readers, even though it is presented in a standard joke format: no specific details, a somewhat farcical set-up, and a punchline pay-off. It's clearly a fictional humor piece, not a literal account of an actual court case. Indeed, in substance it mirrors this item, which was unambiguously circulated as a joke on a humor mailing list in 2002: The power of illustrative anecdotes often lies not in how well they present reality, but in how well they reflect the core beliefs of their audience. Point: This joke has been around for only 4 years and it has angered you and made you basically call me everything but a child of God. Christians have been believing in God for thousands of years yet God is a joke to you but reality and a way of life for us. Thank you [scrubs] but the Bible is just as real to me as it isn't to you. Thank you all Sorry, forgot to tell you, the persons who published this do not believe that God or Jesus ever existed.

What's the best way to make sure inappropriate jokes aren't told during holiday meals? I am referring to adults but there are teenage cousins that I'm worried about.

What is your best holiday themed joke? Any religion, any language that makes it past the censor. Gimme your best shot!

Jokes ~~~~~ Wanna boost yr holiday spirit ? Wanna boost yr holiday spirit ?~~~~? Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . So why practice? Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa. One should love animals. - They are so tasty. Save water. - Shower with your girl friend. Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught. Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every Unsuccessful man, there are two. Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children "Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning "Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk ! "Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours! God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends. When two's company, - three's the result! The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........ Thanks one & all for yr kind response & appreciation !!!! Keep smiling !!

April Fool's Day or All Fool's Day, a holiday known for pranks and practical jokes, was observed as? A. As New Year's Day by some cultures B. As part of the vernal equinox C. Widely by the English during the 1700s Choose the correct answer! I'm sorry I should have mentioned that we have the possibility of a D as well! Trick question! - All of the above!

Any mexican christmas jokes? need some mexican christmas or just holiday jokes por favor!

Best site for funny jokes? My fiancée is sick and I wanna make him feel better so can I please have some good joke sites? Blonde jokes, holiday jokes, ect?

Its easter weekend so here is a holiday joke? Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

Corny Holiday Joke # 325: What is the difference between a snowman & a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS!!!

what are some good christmas jokes? i would like to know if you know any good holiday/christmas jokes anything that you have i'd like to hear!!!!

What are some boisterous songs to celebrate this great holiday of St. Patrick? I remember 5 years ago in elementary school there was this really popular song; maybe it was about beer? Anyway, what are some party songs to pump you up for this fun day? If you have any jokes too, I would love to hear them. Thanks.

Any good April fools jokes to play on my older brother? It is April fools today. And it is me and my older brothers favorite holiday. I know he is going to get me good, but I need some good easy ideas for him. He is 16, and is very smart. Please help me!! And my Mom has set some ground rules.... I can't really do anything to hurt him, or permanently do anything to him, or his stuff. Please answer quick!! I only have until the end of the day!! It is 7:15 A.M where I live. Thanks so much!

whats your favorite holiday joke? It can be for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. It can be about anything to do with snow too!

Are atheist myths like those Chuck Norris jokes like he created gravity? And do they have funny holidays? I'm just wondering how we can have a little more fun in our dreary rational, logical, empirical lives.

Do you think this is a good "Yo mama's so stupid" joke to tell over the Christmas holiday with the family? Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tupac Shakur is a Jewish holiday

I have just found out Thomson have reduced cost of my holiday by £300 how can I get this saving? I booked with Thomson for 2010 last week and have discovered they have reduced the holiday cost by £300. I don't mind a little bit of variance but surely this is a joke. Any idea how I could get the cheaper deal.

Funny April fools day jokes to pull on my friends? April fools day is our favorite holiday,lol. We REALLY get into it. :) We have a whole scoring system and its like a contest.Its hard to explain, lol What are some really funny pranks? I am fresh out of ideas. And none of us have cars, we are only 14.

What is your favorite geek/made-up/joke holiday? Mine are Talk Like A Pirate and Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day, as well as Towel Day.

Do you think Kwanzaa is a joke of a holiday? I mean come on ,let's all just make up a holiday

Why does everybody make fun of fruitcake? How did it get its maligned reputation? I won't eat fruitcake because I hate chunks of fruit in cakes or bread in general, but is fruitcake really that bad? Why does it suffer the brunt of every holiday joke in the book?

holiday joke/riddle? back in the 1800s a british manufacturing company introduced mayoinnassie to mexico. it was the perfect ingredient in mexican dishes. the people of mexico were so amazed by it they ordered a whole shipload of it to be sent to mexico. however, a terrible storm sunk the ship with the mayoinasse. the people of mexico were so distraught by it they decided to name a holiday after it. What holiday was it? 1st person to answer will get 10 points. P.s i know i spelt mayoonaisse wrong every time so don't comment a bout it.

have ya heard this holiday joke? what did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell......Carrot!

Holiday joke? A man was sent by his doctor to the sea on a holiday, saying a nice soak in sea water was just the thing the guy needed. So, as soon as the guy arrived, he went to the hardware store, bought two buckets and headed for the beach. "How much will it cost to fill up these two buckets with sea water?" He asked the lifeguard. "One dollar a bucket."The lifeguard answered with a straight face. The guy happily paid him, filled up his buckets and headed back to the hotel. The soaking treatment worked so well that, that afternoon, he decided to do it again. He headed over to the beach, paid the lifeguard and stared at the low tide. "Wow, some business you got here," he said.

A holiday joke ? Three couples sat round a breakfast table on holiday. The first guy turns to his wife and says “Will you pass me the sugar, sugar?” ....she passes him the sugar. The next guy turned to his wife and said “Will you pass me the honey honey?” ....she passed him the honey. The last guy turned to his wife and said “Will you pass me the milk you old cow” hee hee hee Maggie: you will always be my sugar *wink ROFL at BE's

Holiday Mole (chemistry) joke? We need to think of a Holiday Mole joke for chemistry? Does anyone have any original ones?

Like to hear a holiday joke? A lady goes on holiday to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black Man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is Your name?' 'I can't tell you,' the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?' 'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me. ' says the black man. 'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says. 'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,' I knew you would make fun of it'. The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica .

Why don't Americans have an Easter Monday holiday? I've been making jokes about Easter being a 'four day guilt trip' and wondering why people aren't laughing at it, and now I know! Americans only have a 'three day guilt trip!' See, here in Australia, we have an Easter Monday public holiday and I thought Americans did too; why don't they have Easter Monday off; isn't that the day Jebus allegedly woke up after being kissed by a handsome prince, or something like that?

Holiday gift joke...? Holiday gift joke...? ok so me and my friend thats a girl went out and bought our friends that are guys who we are reallyyy close with a gift card and thongs as a joke. is this funny too you or giving u the wrong impression ?

What should i write on a note to my teacher wishing him a nice holiday? i don't think i'll see him tomorrow and that's when we break up for half term, i wanna tell him to enjoy he's break cause he's been stressing a lot, that's something we joke about so i wanna mention that in the note, so i'm thinking to just leave the note on his desk, but what should i say? help! thanks a lot.

Holiday joke rate it please? Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The HolidaySeason Begins . .

Holiday joke, funny or no ?? Sadly on Christmas eve, three gentleman died. All three men were brought up to the pearly gates and were awaited by St Peter. St Peter asked the first man "show me what you brought that symbolizes the birth of Jesus" then men went into his pockets and pulled out a lighter. St Peter looked at him odly and asked, "what does that symbolise??" the man replied, the "lighting of the candles" St Peter smiled and said "walk threw the gates" St Peter then looks at the second man, asked him "what is it that you have brought up to symbolise the birth of our saviour?" The man then took out a set ok keys and started jingling them. St Peter then asked, "what is it that you are symbolising??" The man replied "Christmas bells" St Peter smiled and said come on threw the pearl gates. St Peter then looked at the third man and asked the same question as the first two. The third man then takes out a pantyhose and said, they were carols .. funny ?? our supervisor just told us the joke :-)

Holiday Joke? Q: What did Adam say to Eve when he misread the calander on Dec. 24? A: Merry Christmas, Eve.

holiday joke!? whee does a snow man go for entertainment?? a brrrothel lol! what didmiley cyrus ask santa for? talent!

Holiday joke, anyone? ." A New York woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome. "Rome?” says the hairdresser, “Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.” "So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. " !" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, & they're always late.” “ So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place called Teste..." " I know that place. It's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly & they're overpriced. ”So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican & we hope to see the Pope." The hairdresser laughed, "You & a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked, ”How was the trip?” "Wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continentals’ brand new planes, but it was overbooked & they bumped us up to first class. The food & wine were wonderful, & I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand & foot. And the hotel just finished a $5million remodeling job & now it's just a jewel, finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked & gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder & explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors & if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door & shook my hand! I knelt down & he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the sh!tty hairdo?

What are some really good jokes to get your family to laugh.? Just curious..need a way to help bring more laughter to the holidays.

Holiday Joke? You won't regret reading? This time can you rate it on a scale 1-10 10 being the best? A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" I give it an 8. I laughed out loud.

Holiday Joke: I pledge Allegiance to all dumb blondes...? There were 3 blondes that were friends in 6th grade..One was a brown-blonde, a medium blonde, and than a pure natural born blonde...Within the middle of the school year the teacher says "We are going to learn to do the pledge the right way. I'm not going to call out names, but I've seen so many screw ups, people talking, people giggling.." So they do the pledge and the teacher asks the brown-blonde, "Why is your left hand on your heart?" She says, "I'm left-handed." Teacher: "That don't matter." Teacher goes to the medium blonde: "Why are you using your left hand?" Medium Blonde: "Teacher, if that flag was a mirror looking at me, it would be on the right side." Teacher: "Well it's not a mirror and it would still be your left hand anyways." Teacher to Natural Blonde: "You hardly ever focus on the flag." NB: cause it's the "lavendar" flag. Teacher: Red, white and blue make lavendar!!!!!

The fishing holiday joke? Phil called home to his wife and said "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Aberdeen with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.... this is the perfect opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh! and please pack my new blue silk pyjames." Phil's wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he gets home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught any fish. Phil said 'Yes! we fished two or three dams and I caught lots of rainbow trout. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pyjames like I asked you?" His wife replied "I did!! They're in your fishing box!" Never lie to a woman

(JOKE) What does a holiday & a penis have in common? ill give a thumbs up to who ever answers proberly! and best answer to who ever gets to the closest!! lol as u can proberly see i am bored! =]

Survey: As a short person, do you get teased more during the holiday season? You know, because of elves...? I do! I have heard 3 elf jokes just today What are you trying to say about my ears and voice, em!

Do you think McCain/McCane gas tax holiday is a joke? Just another politician willing to say anything just before an election to get elected Your holiday gas tax will equal about $36. Whoa..now thats a big tax break...

This 4Th of July Holiday is a Joke,the wrong side Won,the USA should be called The British States,who agrees? Everyone knows the 4th of July Holiday is a Joke,the wrong side won,The 13 Colonies wanted Independence from Great Britian because Slavery was outlawed there and the Slave Owners Washington and Jeferson and many others wanted Slavery to continue.It was only Dumb Luck that the Insurgents beat the Larger English Empire. It's Funny that History is repeating itself,right now the American Empire cannot Crush the Iraqi Freedom Fighters after 4 years of trying and The Taliban Soliders are still fighting US Soliders after 6 years of War.Looks like the USA will end up like England when these Wars are over.

Where do Melons go for their holiday? Why John Cougar Melon Camps of course? Edits laughing this joke had five suggestions none jokes gardening yup right nice bazzokers on that woman with the melons?

Joke...Holiday dilemma..??? The Good Lord is up in Heaven, moaning about the pressures and stresses of omnipotence and being Number One. He decides it's time to go on a holiday. He summons all of his superbeing mates and they pop round with a few suggestions. 'What about Mars?' says one. 'Nah,' replies God. 'I went there 15000 years ago, and it was awful - no atmosphere and too dusty.' 'Pluto?' suggests another. 'No way,' God pipes up. 'I went there 10000 years ago/ Freezing. Awful place.' 'Well,' says another of God's proteges. 'How about Mercury?' God turns the suggestion down. 'Been there. Nearly burnt my nuts off - never again.' 'Okay,' says another of God's favourite cronies. 'How about Earth?' 'Woah!' God exclaims. 'Not a chance! I went there about 2000 years ago, knocked up some bird and they're still bloody talking about it!'

Is Y!A doubling the points for answers mainly to protect against a major dip in hits during the Holiday season? Can I protest since it tries to hold me on to my pc when it would be more rewarding to undertake travel or outing? ( just joking! after all it is my decision one way or the other!!)

Looking for "Holiday cookie recipe joke" told by person drinking crown royal.? Ok, this joke was going around the internet last Christmas. It's a holiday cookie recipe being told by a person drinking crown royal. The farther he got into the recipe the words were being misspelled and the more ridiculious it got. If you know what I'm talking about you'll remember how hilarious it was. By far the very best email I have ever received. If anyone has it or knows where it is posted please let me know. I have to get my hands on this.

Can someone explain the joke: "I'm not a paramedic but I stayed at the Holiday Inn Express."? I've seen this joke a lot but I don't get the origin! Thanks in advance!

Do you know any sites related to sanskrit jokes or any kind of article in sanskrit? Its my holiday homework.

What are the exact smoking laws in Mexico? I am going to Mexico next week on holiday (no swine flu jokes I've heard them all) and as a smoker I'd like to know what to expect in the way of rules on the resort I'm going to. From what I've found on Google the rules are similar to the UK but no sites went into much detail. Can I smoke on the hotel balcony? Round the pool? Can anyone give me the info so I don't end up with a fine.

Who here remembers when we had separate holidays for Washington and Lincoln's birthday? Back in the 1960's, we got two days off for Washington's Birthday and also Lincoln's Birthday. Then they combined them into President's Day, because they said we had too many holidays. Some people joked, it was so they could make room for a holiday for MLK someday in the future. Everybody laughed. Turns out, it was true.

Why are Germans stereotyped as sunbed stealers? All I hear are jokes about German holiday makers getting all the sunbeds first on holidays. I can't say I ever saw anything like this so why does this stereotype exist?

I made a joke about freezing my cat while going on holiday and got a violation why? The said remark was in a joke category and I got a violation for harassment for saying it. Is this kind of joke off limits. The reason I ask is because people have threatened me which is apparently ok with Yahoo.

April Fool's has just became my most hated holiday. If one more person asks what a good AF joke to play is.... I am going to go insane. Why don't they just read the answers to the other 100 questions posted today that asked the exact same thing, or is this in itself an April Fool joke? What is your most hated holiday, and why?

What is the deal with holiday fruitcakes? Does anyone? actually eat them? Are they really that bad? I know there is an ongoing joke that there is really just one fruitcake in existence, and it gets passed around eternally. What's your opinion on these "misunderstood?" little gems? I really don't know the type of cake it is, maybe a spice cake? There are probably different recipes for them. I agree, I could do without the bits of candied fruit.

I have to go to the comedy club tomorrow for my work's holiday party but I can't find where I put my joke book what due I doo?

What is your favorite car made by Chrysler? Be nice, no mean car jokes. Happy Holiday!

what does it mean if you invite a coworker to a holiday party ( well something like that )? you kind of joke around with them somewhat flirtatiously, every once in a while- they tell you ( after you made an off the wall wisecrack comment to them - they say , only business. NO time for good clean fun. Other coworkers i invited also. Kind of a stupid question, but what do you all think?

What are some FUN things to do at home (a two week holiday)? wohhoo I am so excited any: ideas pranks,jokes,things to do.....?

Sad day here, my large dog has passed away- what is the best way to prepare for burial? NO JOKES PLEASE- Its a holiday weekend and I gotta do this like it or not! Thank you everyone-FYI- She was 16. I am okay to bury on property. Next to her best friend (dog) of 12 years. I am only 5' tall, so digging deeper than 3' is dangerous for me. Is that okay? I plan to purchase several rose bushes to make the spot. I will make a marker myself (potter) and honor her with it.

Holiday fun ! Good joke.? Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a hoilday in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they're dazzled by two women and wind up taking them to their seperate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that from next door, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE....HUH! all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispers back, " It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erect*on." The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

I have always wanted to go to Russia on holiday, but what is the best way to see Russia? Note: No jokes about radiation on planes please! Is a weekend break to St Petersburg and Moscow the best or a train journey from West to East or anything else I would like to see different parts of Russia - not just the usual candidates of Moscow and St Petersburg

Do you feel that juneteenth is a joke made up holiday? Juneteenth is the celebration of freed slaves based on the emancipation proclamation. Which didn't even free slaves. it was a war measure. It was never Lincolns intentions to get involved in freeing the slaves. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emancipation_Proclamation The proclamation did not free any slaves in the border states (Kentucky, Missouri, Maryland, Delaware, and West Virginia), nor any southern territories already under Union control. It first affected only those slaves that had already escaped to the Union side, but as the Union armies conquered the Confederacy, thousands of slaves were freed each day until nearly all (estimated at 4 million) were free by July of 1865. After the war there was concern that the proclamation, as a war measure, had not made the elimination of slavery permanent. Several states had prohibited slavery, but some slavery continued to exist in Kentucky and Delaware, until the entire institution was finally wiped out by the ratification of the........ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emancipation_Proclamation

Where's a nice beach on Cuba to go on holiday? No Gitmo jokes please.

Where can I buy those funny fake lottery tickets? I live in California and I would like to buy some as joke for the holidays, please help!

What is the best way to respond to critical or insulting email from a good (?)friend? We've been emailing each other for several years...all good things, jokes, birthday greetings holidays,etc. She's turned a little nasty. What could be wrong??

Some Jokes For The Holidays...? Ok one for the guys Why are christmas trees better than women? - When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn’t look like a cheap hooker. - A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush. - A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won’t say, “Hey, look at the size of that one … I didn’t know they made ‘em that big!” - Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices. - A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have a plastic one in the closet. - It always smells fresh as a forest. - A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work. - A Christmas tree doesn’t get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls. - You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. - A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it. - When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. - A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees. - A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. - A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Teachers & kids jokes? What’s the difference between a headteacher and a packet of toffees? People like toffees What did one maths book say to the other? “Boy, have I got problems” The first form were being taught to say Grace before school dinner, but Jonathan didn’t join in. “Don’t you say a prayer before dinner at home?” asked the teacher “No, Miss, my mum can cook.” Nemesis why are you late for class this morning? I was dreaming about A Manchester United match at Old Trafford But why did that make you late Sir Alex forgot to tell the ref to blow the whistle after 90mins. Please Miss, are slugs nice to eat? Disgusting boy, eat your lunch! Now we are in registration what was it about slugs, child? Too late now Miss you had one on your lettuce! Teacher to pupil slouching in chair,” for goodness sake child, take that gum out of your , and put your feet in this instant.” How do you make a teacher laugh during the end of term holiday? Tell them a joke at the start of term! These were intended for big kids and younger usesr, especially at this time! If these are liked and shared with nephews and neices, that makes it worth the effort

How can i cure holiday depression? Ive just came back from a week holiday in malia. No joke it was the best time of my entire life. Now im home, i havnt been out yet ive been sat in the house 4 7 days with nothing to do. I want to get out but i have no money and all my friends are back on holiday. I cant cope i keep crying, im really depressed, and i just wanna go back out to malia but i cant afford it. I just feel like i cant do anything anymore. I cant even smile, everytime i think about the holiday i cry. Its horrible what can i do to stop this feeling? x

Why can I STILL ask questions... I thought yahoo said they were on holiday today??? It's 12:50 pm California time.. Don't tell me holiday were having a joke :-))

URGENT jokes needed lol? anyone know any funny clean short xmas or just general jokes? Much appreciated Happy Holidays 2 all

How do you celebrate Columbus Day or Thanksgiving if you are Native American? My family jokes around a lot about being discovered, misnamed, and "Pilgrammidged", if there is such a word. We Americans "Indians" have a sense of humor but we would like a holiday that doesn't involve getting discovered or conquered. Halloween is big around my house. Any thoughts welcome. Thanks. On the serious side, the Cherokee National holiday is celebrated on Labor Day. My family has a big dinner on Thanksgiving and we invite lots of people over, of any color or belief. THEN WE WATCH FOOTBALL. How American can you get?

Composer Jack Black names in The Holiday? In the movie the Holiday, when jack black first meets kate winslet, there is music in the background. He jokes and says he wrote it but then he says who really did. What was the name? (If it is a real composer)

Drunken relatives ruining the Christmas holiday? Me father's brother is quite heavy handed with the alcohol around the holiday (and in general). And it often makes for some rather cruel entertainment at my expense (vicious jokes about my hair and teeth). If he does it again this year, should I punch him out cold?

how to make holiday poppers? i want to make holiday poppers for christmas this year, to add inside jokes or whatever to them for my friends. anyone know how exactly to make them? also known as christmas crackers

Atheists make insulting jokes all the time, yet a tame one directed at atheists was deleted in no time...? Some guy's lame and tame attempt at a joke (saying that the atheists' holiday of April Fool's Day is not encroached upon like Christmas is) was deleted within minutes after almost 40 atheists responded in anger. Is this the epitome of hypocrisy? I notice that all jokes directed at atheists are deleted within minutes. What's going on here? siloam: I agree. Oh, and I responded that his joke was "lame" but that it was still funnier than most of what I see here--I got about 15 thumbs down in an equally fast time. THAT is why I'm assuming there is some anger there.

Would you leave your partner just because they booked a two week holiday? I warned him beforehand that i wanted to go Greece with my girlfriend and he said if i go then 'it's over',i thought he was joking!i told him i booked it and he's left me!i cant believe he's chucking away our 9month relationship over a holiday,who's in the wrong?

How would you rate these 2 jokes for this Monday morning? Do you have a great joke? Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for. "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it." JOKE 2: M&M's An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."