Santa
Christmas Jokes Knowledge Base
Christmas Jokes? i have to make a bulletin board at work and i need christmas jokes... ie. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf esteem Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph What's the first thing elves learn in school? The elf-abet DIRTY CHRISTMAS JOKES WOULD BE GREAT AS WELL
Christmas jokes? What are some good, clean christmas jokes?? I love telling jokes and can't think of any!!!
christmas jokes? How Jesus got his name... the 3 wise men heard of a baby being born in a manger & decided to visit. one of them suddenly tripped and shouted JESUS CHRIST!! Mary said quick ,Joesph write that down. it sounds much better than clyde///////////////////////////////////////// three thugs died on christmas eve & came before St. Peter. He said God forgives all so if you can show me something in your pockets that relate to christmas, I'll let you into heaven the 1st thug pulls a book of matches oout. This match is a remider of the birth of Jesus. he is the light in our lives. stpete lets him in the 2nd thug pulls out a piece of foil & fold to into a star. this star is what guided the 3 wise men to Jesus. st. pete lets him in. the 3rd thug digs in his pockets for a full min then pulls out 2 pair of panties. st pete is ouraged what has THAT got to do with christmas. oh these are Carolls
What are some good, funny christmas jokes? I need at least 10 and you can give more than one in your answer. Only clean ones please, me and my friend need christmas jokes for a newsletter we are doing. The funnier and more original, the better. Cheers :)
Does anyone know any good Christmas jokes? Does anyone know the answers to any of these jokes? Just answering one or two would be great thanks!! 1. What do you call a snowman in July? 2. What do they call Santa's little helpers? 3. What do you get if Santa gets stuck down a chimney where a fire has been lit? 4. Why is donner always wet? 5. What are Christmas trees a good source of? Please and Thankyou!
Do you know any good Christmas jokes? My sister and I are making Christmas cards for our family and we wanted to put some good Christmas jokes in them, but every site I've been to the jokes are all really crappy! Thankyou!
Do you know any good christmas jokes or riddles? Please send me your favourite christmas craker jokes.
What are some funny, but clean, Christmas jokes? I will probably be telling them over dinner on Christmas and there will be kids. Thanks!!
Are you mad about all the lame Christmas jokes? I mean the ones about Kwanzaa that demand that we all be politically correct, just because Kwanzaa falls next to Christmas. I think those are lame.
I am unfortunately presenting the Christmas concert this year and I need some Christmas jokes to use.? Do you know any good ones? (Can't be too rude because it is for a year 8 audience and a lot of teachers are there)
What are some good short Christmas jokes? Hi. Clean,adult,i don't care. :o) They just have to be short. Thanks x Sarah
where is the perfect site to fined christmas jokes & riddles? i'm setting a little surprise for my family on christmas eve. so in order to do that i need a little help,and jokes and riddles would help!!!! thanks=D
What Christmas jokes can you think of? me and my friends are putting jokes in our christmas cards and was wondering if anyone knew any good ones, please help :D x
Have you heard of any "alternative" Christmas jokes for crackers? I don't mean rude ones I mean unusual ones? Have looked on different sites its either all the same or a bit too rude, looking for something a bit different/unusual. I mean question and answer jokes, not too long as we're going to make own crackers.
Can u give me some Christmas jokes please? And any facts would be excellent. Cheers
What are some dirty one-liner Christmas jokes? For example: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? He only comes once a year. (Sorry, if I spelt it the real way, it would block it out.) FUNNIEST JOKE GETS BEST ANSWER!!!
Does anyone know any good bonbon (Christmas) jokes? I'm looking for some good bonbon jokes for Christmas, and have been searching online but haven't found much. Nothing too dirty or knock knock jokes etc. Had a great one last year (Dear Agnes 12 days of Christmas) and looking for similar (laugh out loud) jokes.... does anyone know any good ones?
Christmas Jokes and riddles, Let's see if you can guess them all!? Merry Christmas Eve! Here are the rules - Try to Guess as many as you can, don't use google, don't look at other people's answers. Okay here they are- What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? What do elves learn in school? What do elves learn in school? What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Thankyou!
what are some good christmas jokes? i would like to know if you know any good holiday/christmas jokes anything that you have i'd like to hear!!!!
Can I please have some good Christmas bon-bon jokes please? I don't care if they are politically incorrect, actually they would be better and try not to put childish ones up. My family are all over 19 years old. Thx in advance for your answers :)
Any mexican christmas jokes? need some mexican christmas or just holiday jokes por favor!
what are your favourite christmas jokes? mine i hate it when santa comes down my chimney he always leaves a sticky white patch on the carpet why is mrs christmas so sad - cos father christmas only comes once a year
does anyone know some funny christmas jokes or riddles? we have these things in my language class called reading minutes. we have to present something to the class for example something like an article or a couple pages from a book you found interesting... anyway the date i have to do mine on is december 13th and i want to do some hoilday jokes. please help me. thanks :D
Christmas jokes?? Good or bad ones? Does anybody have any christmas jokes, i know its a bit early in the year but im already starting my xmas planning and need some good(or bad) jokes? please help? :) cheers! =D
Tis the season to tell funny christmas jokes.? Why is santa claus always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
sarcasm and jokes about ugly christmas sweaters? need some jokes or sarcastic comments about ugly christmas sweaters for a funny christmas card... got any? (ps: keep it about the sweaters, nothing about mom and dad saying they wanted to get hot and heavy so grandma knitted everyone sweaters) thanks! =]
Really Bad Christmas Jokes? I am looking to have a bit of laugh as I am feeling a bit down and depressed so what are the worst (funny) jokes you can think of that are related to Christmas? Funniest/Worst Joke Will Get 10 Points! x
What do you think of the jokes found in your Christmas Crackers? What a hoot or what a load of old rubbish ,or other?
Did anybody get any good jokes in their Christmas crackers? These are the ones i got, the best of the lot we pulled What has fifty legs but still can't manage to walk ? A ~ Half a centipede What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe ? A ~ Roberto
Poll: Do you like Christmas jokes or blonde jokes? Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!" *I'm a blonde!!!
Super corny christmas jokes? My school is having a contest for the corniest christmas joke list lots or just 1 please thank u!!
christmas jokes/trivia? for christmas eve, i have to come up with christmas jokes and trivia, and i wanted to know how should i put it on stationary, meaning should i cut out large christmas trees and put the questions on there or what?? Does anyone have any ideas. What i am going to do is on each persons plate i was thinking there could be a good size snowman or xmas tree with questions trivia and so on. any creative ideas?
Any Christmas Jokes.....? I'm planning on putting jokes in the christmas cards that i send but i can't think of any decent ones. Please send me some, clean and dirty ones are welcome!
Funny Math Christmas Jokes? I'm looking for some funny jokes about the Christmas season. Science and anatomy would work too, I guess. (but please not Oct 31=Dec25). Look forward to reading your answers Thanks!
Any christmas jokes! please tell? I needed for my school. Any jokes that have to do with Christmas is fine by me. But it can not be dirty jokes or blonde jokes or other jokes that might hurt others. well... maybe blonde jokes, but I have to hear it first.
A site for Christmas jokes? With Christmas around the corner, I would like to know if anybody knows any good websites for Christmas jokes. Do you? If you do, please reply with them, and have maybe you will earn 10 extra points, if your answer gets picked, and please also tell me why you think I should take a look at that site.
What were your best and worst Christmas cracker jokes? What's green, hairy, and wears sunglasses? A gooseberry on holiday. A truck carrying tortoises collided with a truck carrying terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
Funny christmas songs, texts, jokes? ok sooooi want to know some funny christmas jokes n stuff ive recieved a few n want some more.... please help
Christmas jokes...anyone?? I've only seen one on the jokes and riddles section... does anyone have any good ones? Merry Christmas to all BTW... xx
Does anyone know any funny Christmas jokes? anything funny please! Thanks!
Does anybody have any Christmas jokes...? ...that are more "adult-ish"? Okay...perverted... Does anybody have any perverted Christmas jokes?? Please share! & Thanks! =]
Christmas Jokes for kids? Right now I'm making a card for a terminally ill little boy--all he wants for Christmas is a big box of cards, which is probably the sweetest, most depressing thing I've ever heard. But I wanted to put something beside 'Merry Christmas' on the card. Can you think of any jokes that are appropriate for little kids? -Thank- you, Paperbag! That icicle one was too cute! Lol--these are great! Thanks for answering
Any good Christmas jokes? My dad loves jokes, and it's the first Christmas I'm spending with him in 5 years, he's usually out of town then :) I'm excited. Please make a great man happy :) thanks everyone!!
Do you know any jokes about Christmas trees? I need one.
corny christmas jokes? heres a few corny christmas jokes to get you in the mood for christmas!!!! enjoy!!!! what did adam say on the day before christmas? it's christmas, Eve! what did the big angel say to the little angel? halo there! who's working at MI5 on christmas day? mince spies! why are turkeys wiser than chickens? ever heard of KFT? (kentucky fried turkey) How do you make idiots laugh on boxing day? Tell them a joke on Christmas eve! What do a lobster on the beach and christmas have in common? Sandy claus! sorry! MERRY XMAS!
Good christmas jokes.? I'm trying to think of some christmas jokes to do a show. Has anyone got any good ideas I need some FUNNY ones no boring ones please.
Christmas jokes & riddles? see if you can crack these jokes & riddles. (note: they shouldn't be too hard) WINNER GETS TEN POINTS FOR ANSWERING ALL OF THEM CORRECTLY! NO CHEATING!!!! 1. What do elves learn in school? 2. What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? 3. What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents? 4. Why does Santa have 3 gardens? 5. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? 6. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 7. What kind of bird can write? 8. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus? 9. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? 10. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas? 11. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? 12. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle? 13. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? 14. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? 15. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 16. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? 17. Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? 18. What's Christmas called in England? 19. The 3 stages of man: 1) He believes in Santa Claus. 2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. 3) He is Santa Claus. 20. Why does rain drop, but snow fall? you don't have to answer #19, i just put that in there for fun. :) ill post the answers later umm well there is a tie BONUS QUESTION!!!!! IF YOU GET THIS RIGHT PLUS ALL OF THE JOKES YOU WILL GET 10 POINTS!!!!! :) :) :) :) bonus joke: It's been around for millions of Christmases, but its no more than a month old. What is it? heres the answers: 1 the elf-abet 2 theres no L 3 silent night 4 so he can hoe hoe hoe 5 frosted flakes 6 frostbite 7 a pen-guin 8 Ill have a boo Christmas without you 9 fleece navidad! 10 sandy claws 11 Crisp Cringle 12 He had low elf esteem 13 Neither candles always burn short! 14 he had low elf- esteem 15 claustrophobic 16 Its Christmas Eve 17 He couldn't concentrate 18 Yule Britannia! 19 the three stages of man... 20 People really don't know but they think its cause the rain is heavier. Bonus Question!!!!!: The face of the moon.
Want to hear some clean Christmas jokes? These are just jokes. They are not about you or anyone you know. So do not get mad at them. If you do not like them, then go look for some you do like. Thanks Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. ====== How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Chick to chick! ==== Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks? ======= Santa's Outfit How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year. ======= Christmas Mistletoe Jokes Where does the mistletoe migrate to become rich and famous? Holly-Wood! Romeo: What would it take to make you give me a kiss under the Christmas mistletoe ?
Juliette: An anesthetic ======= You are so hideously ugly, that at Christmas, we hang you up and kiss mistletoe instead. ============= Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs under the mistletoe. ===== Q: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us. ===== Q: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!' ======= Q: Why do Canadians find turkey so popular at Christmas?
Ans: Because the weather warmer there. ===== Q: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with. ====== Q: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Ans: Hose A, and Hose B. ==== Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Ans: At the baa baa shop. ===== Q: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snowwoman?
Ans. She gave him the cold shoulder. ======= What kind of tree do fingers grow on?
A palm tree. === What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost. ==== What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette ==== On which side do chickens have most feathers?
On the outside. ===== What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train. ===== What's furry and minty?
A polo bear. ====== What's big, grey and wear glass slippers?
Cinderelephant. ===== How do snails keep their shells shiny?
They use snail varnish. ===== What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots. ====== Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away. =======
got any good Christmas jokes? ive bought "make your own christmas crackers" and a need a few good jokes to put in them as theres no in the box
Where can I buy components for making Christmas crackers in bulk? Paper, gifts, jokes and hats? I make Crackers for a Bazaar and need to buy ready cut an crimped paper, hats, jokes and gifts. The snaps I already have. Hopefully the goods would be on sale in the UK
Christmas Jokes That I found? Here are a few jokes that I have found. What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost! What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? Christmas Quakers What is black and white and red all over? A penguin with sunburn What is red and white and goes round? Santa in a revolving door OK this one ain't Xmas related, but my nephew told me this. What is black and white, black and white? A Zebra crossing on a zebra crossing, a bit dull though. What foloowed the dinosaurs? Their tails. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have any guts. These are Xmas related. How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
Who has good, bad or even terribly stupid Christmas jokes? To get into the season of Christmas, I am wondering if there are any good Christmas jokes out there. I'm sure many will want to share the ones put down below, so let's get as many as we can. Here are examples if you get stumped. Knock Knock Who's there ? Snow Snow who ? Snow business like show business ! (hahaha) A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. One Christmas, just to see what would happen, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twins room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" (hahaha) What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia ! (hahaha) Pls add more!!!!
Short but funny jokes to put in Christmas crackers? Im looking for fairly short jokes to put inside Xmas crackers. Quite like celeb jokes, or jokes with an adult feel not sex ones though, my husband has a fairly edgy humour....close to the bone if you know what I mean.
Do you guys know any clean christmas jokes? I need it for my christmas cards. I don't want anything unclean because most of the cards are going to people younger than me. And I'm not old.
Whats a good christmas joke for facebook statuses? Im looking for a very funny christmas joke to put as my facebook status. It can be dirty or clean, anything thats funny!
What are some good christmas jokes? christmas morning i am having a bunch of my little cousins come over and i thought it would give us a few laughs to have some! thanks for the help!
Do you know any clean and funny Christmas jokes.? No profanity or crudeness!
Why do comedians make jokes about fruitcake at Christmas? I like fruitcake. I love fruitcake. What's wrong with fruitcake? Also, what's happened to the fruitcakes in stores? Even if you can find a store that sells them, they're smaller and smaller, not like the big ones that used to come packed in large round metal cans.
Any Christmas cracker jokes? Can anyone give me some silly jokes, such as would be found in Christmas crackers, please?
Please tell me some christmas jokes? I want them to be funny
ugly christmas sweater jokes... got any? my family is doing a really sarcastic christmas card, we're all wearing really ugly holiday sweaters (dad drunk on eggnog, mom is white trash, i'm the psycho child, and my brother is kicking my bum) and we need a slogan or quote or saying for the card. SO any jokes sayings or quotes about ugly christmas sweaters???
anyone know any good CLEAN jokes? preferably great to put in christmas bon-bons? does anyone know a good site or a joke that would be good to put in christmas bon-bons?
Christmas Cracker Jokes? Tis the season of Christmas parties. What jokes did you hear this Christmas?? Mine was: "Whats the fastest thing down the washing line? Hondapants"
Christmas jokes needed? Do you know any good,not rude, Chritmas jokes?
What is a really funny dirty christmas joke? and don't say anything about santa emptying his sack under your tree or something... BTW, I had to make my cousin wait 18 days until I text her tonight at 10pm and tell her it. So it HAS to be good! Merry Christmas to you too Hannah!
Who said these christmas jokes? Santa, I asked for a 52 inch screen plasma t.v. but I got a 50 inch one. Santa - you women always ask for 2 inches more ----------- Dear Santa, How do you get off the naughty list? Santa: Just dont tell anyone. They will find out 9 months later
How can I give a mac joke for christmas? for christmas instead of giving real presents, we give jokes. So for my uncle i want to give him something about mac, he always has been using it, and always told us to use it. So what can I make him??
what is the funniest christmas card you have seen? if you have given or received a funny christmas card, what did it say? What was the funniest christmas joke?
Who writes Christmas cracker jokes? My friends often tell me my jokes are of Christmas cracker calibre. For instance, here is one of my more recent efforts: Q: Did you hear about the button who went to see the psychiatrist? A: It was suffering from depression. Hilarious! Anyway, I'm frequently wondering who writes Christmas cracker jokes, and what time of year they're written as well. I think I'd be a perfect joke writer- any chance of a part time job? I can make up jokes on any theme- you name it, I can do it! Candles eh? Ok- here's a couple of my finest, cracker quality guaranteed. Q: Did you hear about how amazing and awesome candles are? A: They're wick-ed! Q: Have you heard about the candle who raps? A: It can wax lyrical. You see, I'm hilarious. Please can I have a job now? I'm perfectly suited for the task.
Seriously;No jokes how do I keep my 6 cats off my christmas tree this year.This is not a joke I need an answer? I have 6 cats who I love them very much, but they be all over the place they are well taken care they are 6 girls and are my baby's but if they mess with the christmas tree this year I don't know what I would do. Cause three of them are bad they've been all over the place and have broken alot of my things and, sometimes I want to give them away. but they are my baby's ''PLEASE HELP''
my friends 2nd name is "Ho"..... christmas jokes? im writing his card... any orginal funny jokes alonge those lines??? THANKS
lame christmas cracker jokes ? what is the lamest but funny joke you have found in a christmas cracker? eg> what is the difference between a piano and a fish? you cant tune-a-fish
Christmas Jokes. hope u like it? It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. ### Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel." ### As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas ?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?" Merry Christmas!!!
short christmas jokes, funny?? The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!" Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Some Christmas jokes? How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why doesn't Santa have any children ? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? They both have ornamental balls. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ? They go into town, and blow a few bucks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ? Because the snowblower was coming down the block. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. But why?" a bystander asked. "Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?" Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
What is a short funny christmas joke I could send to my friends? PG is not necessary if ya catch my drift lol =]
christmas cracker jokes required? the sillier the better!
A few Christmas jokes, what do you think? W? "Some are cheezy. Which do you like the most?" What does Comet do after Christmas? Clean Sinks What happens to Santa when he falls in a fireplace? He becomes Crispy Kringle What does Frosty the Snowman eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes What's red and white and dirty all over? Santa after he goes down a chimney Where does Santa Claus keep his money? In a Snowbank Why does Santa have a garden? So he can ho-ho-ho What do elves like to eat for dinner? Iceberg-ers Which reindeer do elves go to for love advice? Cupid
need som christmas jokes for works party? want something a bit better than a cracker joke if poss thanx
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes? Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet! Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas? A: "I don't like sprouts" ! Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote? A: The North Poll. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ? A: Because it's to far to walk. Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? A: Forty feet of track - all straight! Q: What kind of bird can write? A: A PENguin. Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree. Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus! Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad! Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish. Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side. Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? A: Crisp Cringle. Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? A: Okay everyone, sack time!! Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus. Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: He wanted to sleep like a log. Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, "No L!" Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A: Because it " soots " him! Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him. Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks! Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic. Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? A: Because every buck is dear to him. Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Q: Olive? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? A: It was wound up already. Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Does anybody know any cute christmas jokes??? .....something that goes along with the holiday???
christmas jokes!!! check it out? new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,there are a few differences between us... 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be playedon all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It. "Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
christmas jokes for the kids are these funny or not? Q: What does Santa Claus do in his garden? A: Hoe, hoe, hoe! **** My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care, I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air. **** Q: Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter? A: The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters. **** Q: If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?? A: Missile toe! **** Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. **** Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic. Christmas Quotes "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." --Phyllis Diller "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." --Jay Leno Rudolph There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He said to his wife,"Look honey. Its raining." She, being the stubborn type, responded,"I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he said to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they stepped outside and discovered it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies, " I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
need some rude jokes for christmas crackers? short ones only
Some Christmas short jokes ................? Santa: "What do you want for Christmas, young man?" Boy: "Well, there's a certain thing I'd really like." Santa: "What thing is that?" Boy: "Everything!" Q: What would you get if you crossed Santa with a giraffe? A: St. Neck! Q: What would you get if you crossed one of Santa's helpers with the King of Rock 'n' Roll? A: Elfis Presley! Q: What has fins, a tail, and is mailed to you at Christmas? A: A Christmas cod! Q: What did Santa way to his misbehaving reindeer? A: "Shape up or I'll a gnu crew." Q: Why don't elves play in the NBA? A: They just don't measure up! Q: What would get if you crossed St. Nick with Jon Arbuckle? A: Santa Clod! Q: What is Santa's favorite American state? A: Idaho-ho-ho! Q: What do Santa's helpers make the day before Christmas? A: Eight dollars an hour plus time and a half for overtime! Q: What is a monster's favorite Christmas poem? A: "The Fright Before Christmas!" A: What is a ghost's favorite Christmas carol? A: "We Wish You a Scary Christmas!" Q: What would you have if Santa brought you a kitten and a puppy? A: A meowy Christmas and a yappy New Year! Q: Why was Santa's sick helper reluctant to go to the hospital? A: Because he didn't have elf insurance! Q: What has four legs, a hump, and is found at the North Pole? A: A lost camel! Q: What goes "Ho-Ho-Ho-Swish"? A: Santa drilling a jump shot! Girl 1: "Do you like The Nutcracker Suite?" Girl 2: "I'm sugarplum crazy about it!" Q: What happens when Christmas angels meet? A: They both say, "Halo!" Q: Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving? A: In the dictionary!
Christmas Jokes Of The Week? A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..." The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. What did the salt say to the pepper? Season's Greetings Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
Christmas Jokes!!! Whoever gets all right gets best answer!? What does frosty the snowman eat for breakfast? What is a parents favorite christmas carol? Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Ok i just got another one. if you answer THIS ONE too then you get best answer. What is santa's favorite drink? lol none of you guys have gotten "whats santas favorite drink?" Keep trying! alright here are the answers! none of u got them ALL right: 1. frosted flakes 2. silent night 3. he had low elf esteem (alot of u cheated on this one) AND THE ONE THAT NOBODY GOT: 4. beer'd haha!! thanks for trying and merry christmas!
any one got christmas jokes? I NEED IT BY TOMORROW!!
What is the funniest dirty christmas joke? I regulary receive emails with funny jokes, especially this time of year, but sadly all of the jokes that have been sent to me this year have been rubbish and cheesy. A big gold star will be awarded by me to the person who can supply me with a rib cracking and absolute buster of a joke, its got to be original, original jokes are the best.
Christmas joke, "An airplane disaster in Israel is a ____." A: Cresh.? This is a Christmas joke I received. I know what a cresh is (manger). And I get the connection between an airplane disaster (crash) and a manger (cresh). What exactly does "cresh" have to do with Israel? I'm just wondering why it would be an "airplane disaster in Israel" versus just an "airplane disaster". The word "cresh" or "creche" is a German word, so it's not the origin of the word. Does it mean something in Arabic?
Karate-Christmas Related Jokes? Heya Needed to make some christmas cards for my karate club members, and was wondering if anyone could think of anything to put on them...pics/cartoons/ideas would also be great! Many thanks...
What was the worst Christmas Cracker joke you read? I can't remember what mine was,between alcohol and sleep,it went out my head I thought of mine(well asked a kid) What do you call it when a bunch of sheep roll down a hill? A lambslide.
Christmas dinner jokes? What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake Tarzipan ! Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else ! What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours ! Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed ! What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey ! Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth ! We had grandma for Christmas dinner ? Really, we had turkey ! Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ? You get tinsel-itus ! What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !
child safe christmas knock knock jokes.? Knock Knock Who’s there ? Wenceslas Wenceslas who ? Wenceslas train home ? Knock Knock Who’s there ? Snow Snow who ? Snow business like show business ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Wayne Wayne who ? Wayne in a manger… ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Donut Donut who ? Donut open till Christmas ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Oakham Oakham who ? Oakham all ye faithfull… ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Avery Avery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Holly Holly who ? Holly-days are here again ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Rudolph Rudolph who ? Money is the Rudolph of all evil ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Igloo Igloo who ? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie… ! Knock Knock Who’s there ? Mary Mary who ? Mary Christmas !
christmas emails and funny jokes? the people I work with love to send each other funny emails and jokes or pictures (nothing like really dirty only funny) any websites will good stuff without like 100 adds and pop ups or any good email jokes you got please either tell me to email you and get them or leave them here thanks!!
What is in the little gift in a christmas cracker? i know a little gift, a paper hat, and a joke come in a christmas cracker, but what is in the little gift???
I need a joke that is clean and about christmas. Does anyone know a good website to find one or a name of one it needs to be a christmas joke, clean, and work in a christmas sermon.
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